stressed out

As one goes up the other goes down. Stress can not only kill us, it also can kill our sex lives. Survival is our first priority; continuing our species is down the list. Stress as we know it is a maladapted survival response that takes our energy and focus away from sex.

Sex and survival are mutually exclusive

If a tiger is chasing you, you are not relaxed – you are running for your life. It is not until you escape and come down from the fight-or-flight response that you begin to feel your sexual urges. Relaxation is the setup for sexual arousal.

Our bodies often follow our heads. If we are mentally stiff, we will be physically stiff. If a man’s head is focused on solving the crisis at work, his little head is unable to receive the attention it needs to feel safe to come out and play. Treating your sexual performance as you might treat your professional or athletic performance will not work. It would be like expecting someone to feel and express his sadness about a deep loss while he is lifting a new level in weights.

Sex is a mirror

An old friend and teacher used to tell me that the body does not lie. In some way, your body will express physically what it is experiencing. The expression may not be outward, but it does occur.

Sex may start a mental experience, yet the act becomes very physical. For your body to be fully engaged it must be fully available to experience all aspects of sex. If some part of your life is not in sync, such as your relationship with your partner, your body will manifest that tension. That body/mind tension will eventually show up in your sex with your partner.

Why do you think affairs are so much fun? You get to experience sex without experiencing the stress that exists in your on going relationship.

Mediocre sex

If you want better sex – create better communication. Your sex life, more than any other aspect of your life, is an expression of how well you and your partner communicate. The communication that might need to occur may not be about your relationship. You may only need to share with her your frustration about work and your fear about not performing well. Those little truths can set your sex life free.

A recent British study suggests that half of their citizen’s sex life suffer because of stress or medical issues.

I have worked with many couples who are so embarrassed about intimate health complaints that it has caused a huge breakdown in communication and put serious pressure on the relationship. Talking to a partner or a professional candidly about the issue is not easy, but it may save a great deal of emotional strain. Denise Knowles, a relationship counsellor with Relate

How to shift it

Chill out – do some stress reduction. Review some of the other posts on this blog. Teach your body/mind not go into the stress response as your default. Getting good bodywork is a quick way to facilitate the process of removing old stress and learning to relax.

Communicate more of your thoughts and feelings. Begin speaking those feelings you have not spoken. In the above study, three out of five Brits said they struggled to speak about personal issues. Start taking risk, just like you did when you and your partner began dating. Some people get bent out of shape when it comes to talking about feelings.. Going back to the beginning often rekindles the spark that was once there.

Keep others out of the bedroom Don’t bring unfinished business into the bedroom. Believing that having sex will solve the problem is a lie. Yes, it will often take the edge off and can create a feeling of intimacy for a period of time.Unfortunately, the issue and its charge is there to come up another time. Do what you need to deal with the problem or release the tension  before you enter the bedroom.

Build intimacy

Support intimacy Great sex is predicated on great intimacy. Sharing difficult feelings quickly builds trust and intimacy. Having a weekly ritual where time is scheduled  just to talk has transformed relationships.

Both of you can have your own stress reduction practice. She may have yoga; you could have your weekly massage. Additionally, the two of you can come up with something you do together, like going to a hot springs.

With sharing your feelings, share what you want emotionally and sexually. Sharing our wants certainly sounds simple, but we all know know difficult it can be. Telling your partner what you enjoy sexually is a risk for you. Yet it will support your partner in pleasing you, which empowers her. As she gives you what you want, you will need to let go and receive, another challenge for us Type As.

Play. All this talk of sharing emotions may sound intense. Create some fun around sex. Set up an experience where the two of you get to play as if your were kids exploring a new game. Bringing a child-like innocence into the bedroom lightens the whole experience, and can reduce the stress and increase the pleasure.

Go slow. Being a Type A aboutsex does not work. Go back to being the kid who played simply because that is what he wanted to do. There was no end goal, he was just having fun – that was the goal.

If you were to agree on discussing old feelings, agree to set the bar low. Your goal should be to build skills and have fun, not to resolve ten years of limited communication. It is like training for a marathon – start your daily mileage low. Going for too much too soon  will create injuries and you’ll never run the marathon.

Breathe. The more you breathe, the more relaxed you will be and the more your body will be able to experience the pleasures of sex.

Sex as a stress reducer

The sexual arousal curve and orgasm mimics the arousal curve of fight or flight. Unlike many  stressful events, when you have an orgasm you complete that curve, allowing for the recovery phase to occur next. The more you can relax going into asexual experience, the more we can allow yourself to fully engage – the more intense the orgasm and the release.

The act of intimacy, as much as the sex, reduces stress. Another British study: 

Volunteers who had had penetrative intercourse were found to be the least stressed, and their blood pressure returned to normal faster than those who had engaged in other forms of sexual activity….

Having intimate sex with a partner gives you something nothing else can give you.

Replace stress with great sex. Allow yourself the pleasure of learning or deepening your skills of being a relaxed lover.