I am often amazed at how much stress I hold concerning others and their actions. Those mental conversations I have with myself about how I was wronged take a lot of time and energy. 

Several years ago, after feeling betrayed by a close friend, I asked myself – what would it take for me to forgive this man? I came up with two answers: The first had to do with myself – I needed to let go. I needed to forgive myself for how I betrayed myself by not listening to my own senses and knowing. The second centered on what my friend would have to do for me to forgive him in such a way where I could trust him once again. 

This experience got me thinking about how you or I could get the person we dishonored to deeply forgive us, and forgive us so that we regain his or her lost trust and respect. I realized it would mean more than saying I am sorry; it would involve behavior change. 

To prove to the other person you are sincere, you are worthy of not only forgiveness, but also of a relationship based on trust – I came up with five actions. The chronological order generally follows the order I have laid out. 

Admission 

You need to take ownership of what you did or didn’t do, and it needs to be specific. For example, just saying, “I was late,” is not as powerful as saying, “I was late and I made you late and appear irresponsible with your friends.” When an admission is authentic, your friend will know it. As you speak your admission, some place in you will feel vulnerable or weak. The person receiving it will sense the risk you are taking and begin to open up. 

Remorse 

Here is where you want to express remorse as the “perpetrator.” This is more than saying sorry. It’s about going beyond explaining as a justification. Here you want to express what dark part of you was in charge, or what your hidden agenda was, if there was one. 

After you admit you were late and then say you were late because you could not tell your boss that you had another engagement, your honesty may begin to create some forgiveness. If you goes on to say that it was possible to dishonor the friendship because you were jealous of your friend’s success, then you are getting to the real truth. As more of the truth comes out, so does the depth of  forgiveness and your ability to re-establish trust. 

Amends 

Here you make it right. This atonement is as much for him as it is for you; it deepens the forgiveness. When you say you will take him to dinner, and you are saying it because that is what you need to do to feel right, your friend will feel the authenticity. 

If you go further, perhaps to say you will speak to others about how your friend is not greedy, this builds more trust. By admitting you were bad-mouthing him behind his back, because you were jealous of his success, and then by resolving to stop, you move the relationship forward. 

Invariably there is a past cause to a current situation. One act doesn’t usually upset someone unless in some way the other person was holding onto something from the past. When you can connect the past dots, much of the charge towards the current situation dissipates. Your friend goes from feeling strange or nuts for thinking unfavorable thoughts to thinking, to “yes – I was not nuts, something was off.” 

Changing Behavior 

This is where he knows you changed. Even the people who lie to themselves can’t continue to lie when you track their behaviors. It isn’t about a couple of new behaviors; it is about consistent change. Most of us can sustain a false change for a short period, but if it’s not real, the change will not last. Real change means a long-term change in behavior. 

You no longer make promises to your friend or others that you can’t keep. You are on time. He can count on you being on time. 

Forgiveness 

Now forgiveness can really happen. This also where you and your friend experience the benefits of the change, where he can count on you to be a true friend. I have seen friendships deepen at this stage. It is as if a new  relationship is created, catalyzing a spontaneous forgiveness from the other four occurring. This forgiveness nurtures respect. 

When you can risk speaking what is true and back it up with changed behavior, you become more present with everyone. You are more likely to say and do what is right in the moment. The Buddhists have an expression – there is only one right action, and it is right for everyone. 

Approaching a situation with this tenacity is not easy. Once done, however, you will experience the benefits far outweigh the stress of holding the feelings. You will get more energy from walking your talk. You will be more likely in the future to make the right decision at the front end. The workout of cleaning up a past action will make you strong, able to stand in your power. 

My suggestion is to give yourself space to develop this level of mastery. The first few times may be a little rough. It will become easier, deeper, and certainly less stressful  as you begin to do what is right.