Every living cell and organisms has boundaries. The cell has a cell membrane or cell wall. The cougar has his territory that he defends. If you were to study forestry, one of the first phenomena you learn about is how trees fight to maintain their boundary for sunlight.
We respond biologically and psychologically when our boundaries become threatened, as if our survival is threatened. Our conscious mind might be able to make a distinction that a situation is not threatening, but our reptilian brain can’t. It is this part of our brain that coordinates our survival responses of fight or flight.
Violating boundaries
If someone violates your personal space with a knife – this response is triggered. You may get angry and fight the attacker or you might find yourself scared and run. If you are to survive, you will do something.
If you don’t have boundaries, you are vulnerable to life’s threatening events and the subtle psychological violations. The knowledge that you have these boundaries and are able to maintain them when needed gives you the confidence of being protected. This is not much different than the cougar who knows no one will enter his territory.
Having these boundaries sends a message out to others that says “don’t mess with me.†So they don’t mess with you. This creates a positive loop of reinforcing your boundaries. Years ago, I read about a study that with criminals using body language to determine who to mug. Just like the predator choosing the weak elk of the herd, the criminal would choose the person who walked in a weak or scared manner. The person who owned his or her space was the last to be mugged.
How to get your boundaries back
First, you must begin experiencing what is occurring in uncomfortable situations. Our tendency is to shut off discomfort. This discomfort is the fight or flight response telling you something needs to be done. Connecting back up to your reptilian brain allows you to become more sensitive, more aware of what is about to occur. Awareness gives you more options sooner.
Once aware, do something. Break out of the “freeze†state. Usually it will mean speaking up, specifically – speak your feelings. Even if all you say is “something doesn’t feel right,†you have drawn a line in the sand that represents your boundary. If you can say, what you don’t want and what you want, better yet. Now you have filled that space with your needs.
The power of no
Realizing we are first animals and have animal responses will allow you to begin to train yourself as if you are training a dog. I know this may sound degrading, but any good trainer will say precise negative and positive reinforcement will speed your learning. When you take the risk to state what you will or won’t do, focus on the courage you mustered to speak up. Focus on how others stepped back. Breathe.
Say “no.†It is that simple and that hard. “No†is the most powerful word in our lexicon. Yet it may be the most difficult word to say. Saying “no†stops the process when you start to feel the possibility of violation. You are telling the person to stop.
The person who has the power of no often controls the situation. I would agree with the statement that your “yes’s†are more powerful when they are backed with “no’s.†If someone knows you will never say no, your “yes†is just a perfunctory approval.
Recently I was in a meeting for local sewer districts with local and state politicians. The moderator was speaking as if the twenty of us would agree to keep the proceedings secret. Being the big mouth that I can be; I spoke up and said, “No, that does not work for me. I view this meeting as a public meeting, therefore I can not honor your request.†You could see and feel how shocked everyone in the room was. The moderator backslid to a point that I found agreeable. I then agreed to proceed with the meeting.
What was shocking to everyone was not me wanting to keep the meeting open; it was that I spoke up. I allowed myself to feel the discomfort of the moderator’s statement and then I allowed myself to say “no.†It was what I had to do to feel comfortable. Yes, the act of saying “no†was stressful, but the result was much stronger.
Putting it at risk
Having others honor your boundaries can put relationships at risk. I know when I started to hold my space some didn’t like it. A few of them are no longer my friends. As I went through my grief process of losing those friendships, I realized these were not really friendships.
When others do honor your boundaries – thank them. It will reinforce your skill of holding your space and their respect of it.
Developing the skill of setting boundaries will take some work and may produce moments of stress. Just like getting in shape, once you develop the skill it starts to be automatic; you will experience much less stress in your life. We are all good at denying and coping with not having our boundaries honored. Becoming sober to how we let others violate our space is the first step to having boundaries. Ultimately, you will find yourself in less stressful situations and more able to resolve them satisfactory.
Oftentimes we don’t speak about personal boundaries. It is as if having them is a bad thing. I believe we need them. They are fundamental to our survival. We are hardwired to survive and to protect ourselves. Setting boundaries is one way we do it.
