Transforming stress depends on changing our internal response to stress. There are patterns we develop that perpetuate our stress. These patterns involve our internal experience, but they also involve our environment. The interaction of the two creates a negative feedback loop that can keep us stuck in a stress response.

First, we need to become aware of what patterns we are trapped in that maintain stress. This sounds easy, in actuality this step can be the most challenging. Learning how we take ourselves out of being relaxed and productive often can produce the change we are wanting.

So often, we do not realize we are stressed out until we have been stressed for a long time. The effects of our stress may be what cause us to be aware. The effect can be that you punch a hole in the wall with your fist or maybe you suddenly become aware that you are speeding when you see the flashing lights in you mirror. At some point, you will be aware that you have been stressed out, even if it is your doc telling you that you have a bleeding ulcer.

The intent here is to not have awareness be an effect of stress, but to be relaxed with increased performance. To have this occur, we must first accept where we are presently. This can be in this present moment and it can be the bigger now of our lives.

Much of our lives we spend running just to keep pace with everyone else. This external focus denies us awareness of our internal states which are the keys to pleasure and success. When we know as a felt sense what is occurring we are much more likely to make a more appropriate choice to avoid tension and go to pleasure.

As we become aware, we begin to notice patterns of how we become tense. These patterns are just behaviors we adopted out of necessity or survival. Given the choices in the original situation, we made the best choice possible. Unfortunately, we continue to make the same choice. With awareness and acceptance of what we have done and are doing we begin to see that what we started with one behavior became a habit, which evolved into a self-replicating unconscious pattern.

Once you notice a pattern, ask what it would be if it was a metaphor. This might be easier to accomplish if you imagine someone else doing your pattern. For example, take the speeding down the highway. Where else does this person speed? With that gestalt of speeding, what picture is created? Is that person running away or towards something? What events and people trigger it? On a physical or medical level, where is there an analog to the speeding? As an adaptation to stress or survival, where was the pattern learned? Who was the person’s model for this behavior? Where else does this pattern/metaphor exist?

As you get a multi-dimensional picture of your pattern, step even further back to see a bigger picture. Look for meta-patterns that derive from families, religions and cultures. Seeing the bigger picture allows us not to be so self-critical and trapped by your own behaviors. You begin to see how often we model or learn unconsciously many of these behaviors.

Because everyone around us may be doing similar behavioral patterns, we think nothing of also doing them. I have seen when a client or student realizes that an unconscious pattern was the same one his father had, a big aha occurs. This man now sees the pattern from the outside and realizes he learned it from others. Consequently, he believes he can unlearn it.

There are several common meta-patterns:

• Overly analyzing or just thinking too much
• Not communicating
• Not maintaining personal boundaries
• Over committing and over working
• Controlling

As with any limiting behavior, we are more likely to revert to one of these patterns when we feel under stress and limited in terms of our resources.

When we can get a glimpse of what we might be receiving from a pattern we can find a more productive means to get that need met. On some level, in some way, there is a benefit – even if there are many disadvantages to the pattern. To deepen your appreciation for your pattern, ask what the pattern does for you. A psychologist my say there are secondary gains.

Performing an emotional and health audit can be the catalyst to making a fundamental change. Are you gaining or loosing energy from the pattern? In the short run, you may feel a gain. Maybe you believe you are getting more work done. Yet over years where are you because of this pattern? After two decades of pushing yourself, what have you gotten? Are your health and your enjoyment of life greater or lesser because of it?

I suggest you also look at how you may sabotage yourself by allowing any pattern to rule your life. At first out of necessity, we create an entire belief structure that supports a limiting pattern. You may tell yourself that you have to get the work done fast so to avoid any criticism. From there your mind might create other beliefs that are at best half true or become true because they are self-fulfilling prophecies.

Transforming a Pattern into an Ally

One way to turn this around is to have more resources available. Yes, having more money often reduces the stress. I am actually speaking more about having the rest, energy, and time to adapt to the external stressors.

Removing the limiting pattern without having a more productive pattern available to replace it can be more work than necessary. Say you want to be less controlling – great. Just attempting to stop controlling others may only lead to frustration. You may try to focus on communicating your desires and share your feelings. It is amazing when we share what we are feeling how communication improves.

You might be saying, “I share my feelings …” I suspect, in many cases what you think are your feeling are more mental thoughts. I know this pattern well. I continually have to ask myself what am I feeling – not thinking. An old girl friend taught me this when she finally got me to realize what I thought were my feelings were just my thoughts.

When I admitted to myself how controlling I really was, I began to be less controlling. I started to see much of my control was covert. I was not only hiding it from others, I was hiding it from myself. As I acknowledge my control, I also experienced what I really wanted. For a while, I had to ask myself what I really want here. Without that question, I could fool myself into believing I wanted something I did not really want.

Just as we adopted behavior patterns from our surroundings that are limiting, we can also choose environments and models that are healthier. For 30 years, I have seen people adjust their social network to match their new emotional and physical health. Some of this can happen unconsciously as we release old patterns. Deliberately seeking out new models of dealing with stress will greatly facilitate our evolution through stress.

The model(s) can be one person or a composite of several. Or, it may be an entirely new culture. If you ever traveled to a place where the first world is not in charge, initially there is a culture shock. But, as you settle down you realize how wired you were and how enjoyable a slow pace can be. A vacation to that deserted island can be the seed for change.

The fast track to transforming patterns could be to get direct assistance. It can range from massages, to utilizing a coach or the therapist. A good stress reduction course can be hugely beneficial. When I work with clients as a coach or group leader I find that patterns can be discovered, released then exchanged for more effective patterns quickly.

It is true we can do all this on our own. One of the main purposes of this blog is to give you the tools to do just that. My attitude is, “Why wait?” If I want something and I believe there is a quicker and easier way – did I tell you one of my patterns is laziness – I will investigate the way of grace and ease.

However you choose to extract yourself from your limiting patterns, I suggest you seek out a new support structure to reinforce your change. It may be as simple as a daily ritual of going for a walk every evening. The way our unconscious mind works it will focus on rituals, patterns of repetition. If there is not positive pattern the mind will use a negative one.

Another way to view this is to ask what are you day dreaming about? If it is your new pattern of going for the relaxing walk when you get home you are less likely to be feeding the limiting patterns.

Changing those limiting patterns will change your stress level. You will go from having those patterns rule you, to you choosing behaviors that support you. Once new behaviors establish themselves, they will be as habitual as the old ones were.