A child’s perspective

As much as we may hate to admit it, stress does trickle down to our children.
As blind as we maybe to our own stress, we can be even blinder to the stress our
children endure and its effect on them. It is difficult to see the effect of
stress on our children when we don’t see how stress impacts us.

Often from the adult perspective, a child may be seen has having it easy. He
or she has everything provided. Hopefully the child’s parent provides for his or
her basic needs. It is all the other concerns and stimulation stresses the
child.

One reason we often do not notice the symptoms of stress for our kids is that
they are much more resilient than us adults. By that, I mean their bodies can
recover from stress quicker or not have such serve symptoms. Much like healing
from a wound, a child will mend quicker. This is good, but should not be seen as
an excuse to allow stress to impact a child. What does occur that certainly
should be a concern is how the effects are cumulative, much like exposure to
DDT. The compounding consequence of more stress added on old tension begins to
wear the child down. How this collapse in the child’s health shows up can vary.
The repetitiveness of colds, flues and ear aches are common
consequences.

An additional factor why stress is often not fully noticed in a child is that
he or she does not have the language to describe it. As any pediatrician will
tell you, a small child will often not know to or know how to describe something
as simple as a headache. To expect the child to articulate the general malaise
stress can create is unrealistic.

I can recall, as a child, close to 50 years ago – don’t tell anyone I am that
old, having chronic “stomach aches.” My mother took me to the one of those old
fashion doctors who made house calls. He honestly said he did not know what the
problem was. Today from my current perspective, it was easy to see my problem
was all “psychosomatic” – all stress. Our tests today are much more
sophisticated, yet our understanding of stress has not progress equally in 50
years. I suspect today if I was a child I might have gotten a few tests and some
medication to take, but the cause of the problem would not have been addressed.

So, what a parent to do?

First, become aware that your child maybe exposed to stressors you have not
been aware of. Secondary, step back and start to view your child in the context
of stress. Begin to engage your son or daughter in conversations about what
their lives are like. Obliviously, saying to a young child – “Are you stress
out?” will not work. Slowly have your child describe his or her day. Listen for
how things are being said and particularly listen for what is not being said. As
we all know too well, kids will not tell us everything. In this case, it could
be they are a shamed or afraid to speak about what we would call stress.
Alternatively, they may not be all that aware. Denial is one of all our first
coping strategies. Just having regular conversations about the other things in
their lives can be hugely effective.

Observe how your child moves. Is he or she tense, awkward, imbalanced or is
something just not right? How he or she interacting with others, peers and
adults? Where are his or her are edges, what are your child’s challenges?
Noticing and accepting the struggle, then making space for it to be ok can be
enormously supportive. When the child does not get the support needed from
adults, the child will seek out his or her peers. That shift should begin to
occur when the child is a teenager; before than the child needs the parents
championing his or her development.

The secret to shifting a child’s stress

Steven Stills had it right – “Teach Your Children.” Our behaviors are the best teachers. As we shift our relationship with stress, so will our children. It is amazing how children model us. I once had a client who was my CPA and later a business partner. David had a son who was the “spiting image” of him, right down to his twisted body and minor limp. The son never had the injury David had; he never had any injury. Getting the strain out of James’ body was much easier than David’s. The point – if a child will model a body twist, he certainly will model a stress strategy.

This you may not want to read. Children will run the parent’s energy. By
that, I mean kids will express or act out what the parents are not expressing.
The more you are not dealing with your stress in a healthy manner, the more
likely your child will find a way to express that stress. How that happens can
vary greatly. An aggressive, angry parent may produce a child who is a bully.
Certainly, a young child can not defend himself or herself against an adult.
That frustration has to go some place. Either it will go into the child’s body
or it will be acted out with his or her peers.

Lets keep stretching our envelop of what stress is for a child. The energy of
stress when not express for a child or an adult will implode. It will go into
the body. We all know we can get tense from stress. A child will unconsciously
model your physical coping or stress storing patterns. As a child, I was told I
inherited my tight, thick legs from my father. I had no reason to disbelieve
that until I got Rolfed. What I learned 30 years ago was that I unconsciously learned to develop tight legs just as my father did. This is no different than what James did with father. With the Rolfing and the release of old stress, my legs are no longer big or tense.

I once had a client who was a physician who ran his own institute and taught
throughout the world the techniques he developed. He was a brilliant and caring
doc. He was seeing me while he was going through a tough divorce. One day his
daughter came with him. She seemed very normal. He proceeded to tell me how she
was acting out. I said, given what you and ex-wife are going through I could
understand. His solution was to prescribe Ritalin for her.

We know now that children often assume the responsibility of divorces. I
suspect that is the least of it. Regardless of why these kids act out, the
stress of the family needs some expression. I have always believed it is better
that they act it out than hold it in and create an illness. The epidemic of
ADD/ADHD is a function of two variables; one the increase stress in this
culture. The other is the huge market for the pharmaceutical companies. When the
child’s stress is addressed, the ADD/ADHD resolves itself. I will write more on
this in the future.

I hope my little dissertation about children running the energy of the parent
is good news. As tough as it maybe to change the effects of stress has on us,
the benefits can be compounded when we have children.

• A little more
  technical explanation with some good suggestions
• From a
  site on children health
• University
  of Minnesota addresses several aspects of stress

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I like to add that Tria’s comment about kids growing up too soon is right on. There is an excellent article that speaks about recent research concerning literally how our children are become old before their time.